My heart and soul

I'd like to talk about my boyfriend who has been with me trough the hardest time of my life concearning my illness. When we met I already told him about my illness at an early stage. I also told him that here was a pretty strong possibility I would be having an ileostomy sometime in the future, not sure when. It might be after few years or when I'm 60 but at some point it would be part of me. I was really scared to start a relationship. Firstly I can't imagine anyone really loving me and finding my body, with all it's scars and flaws, beautiful or hot. But my boyfriend did, right from the start. The only thing he ever said negative was about my scars that my tummy looked a bit sad and that he had noticed my scars, that's it. Up to this day (we've been together for 6 years) he has never said anything negative or hurtful.

I never imagined I'd find a guy like this, who'd see who I am inside and not look at my disfigured body only. Then again, this is my first relationship so I have no idea what guys would have said to my about my scars but the thought of getting any negative comments kind of kept me away from men for a long time. I did want to be loved and I've always wanted a relationship but never REALLY believed there was someone out there for me. It hasn't been easy with my boyfriend and I and my bad self-esteem has been in the way of our relationship couple times. It seems that as I can't believe someone would really love me it has been hard for me to show I love someone back. So it hasn't only been me thinking about wether my boyfriend loves me or not, but he has been thinking about the same thing. Luckily we were able to sort things out and we are still here, together.

Getting my ileostomy has been hard on both of us mainly due to my depression and very negative thoughts about it. I have tried to hide my feelings about it, as I wanted my boyfriend to form his own opinion on ileostomies without my bad influence. But now that it's here I can't hide my feelings anymore. But I can say that my boyfriend makes everything a little bit easier for me. He has even helped me to clean my stoma and to change the flange almost every time. I think that's true love :) And he hasn't said anything negative about it, he hasn't even flinched. We talked about my stoma with him the other day and he just said that it was a suprise for him how easily and fast he was able to accept it and it didn't feel that bad at all when he saw it the first time. The only thing he struggles with is the fact that I'm in so much pain and I have to change the flange so often (2-3 times a day). I cry A LOT! And I have even once screamed and thrown all my stoma supplies on the wall in the middle of the night as I had to change it... He never said anything else, except that he loves me. Seriously I woke the man up at 3 a.m. screaming and crying. He woke up, came to help me and when I finally calmed down and we got back to bed he said "I just love you so much" turned away and went right back to sleep. Now if that isn't love I don't know what is!

No I'm not saying he is perfect or that our relationship is perfect, it's not. But I'm really lucky to have such on awesome companion in life from whome I get support and most of my strength. I'm not sure if I'd be here anymore without him. Life is a struggle but as long as you have the right people around you, you can do anything :)